mental health

Some Days

/ amynotdorft / Leave a comment

Some days
I give so much of my love away
that I forget to leave any
for myself.

Some days
I give so much of myself away
that I become a walking
human-shaped absence,
defined
only by the space
of where other people are not.

Some days
I have no one to give to
and in that freedom I expand
so far
that I lose
all
cohesiveness.

Some days
I cannot remember who I am
only all of the things I should do
and all of the things I have failed to do.

Some days
I make lists about myself
so that I cannot forget:
what I’ve done,
what I like,
what I want.

Some days
I look at those lists
and wonder
where that person went.

Some days
I am certain
that some crucial part of me
has died
taking with it:
memories
and dreams
and desires
and
and
and

Some days
I want to be struck by lightning —
not to die,
but on the off chance
that I might reanimate.
Or at least
feel that rush of electricity
down my spine.

Some days
I can pretend that I’m okay,
end this on a note about
hope.

Some days
I give so much of my love away
that I forget to leave any
for myself.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

A Safe Distance

/ amynotdorft / Leave a comment

There is a space between

you and me

that measures
the exact distance
required
for a wild animal
to turn from deadly
to cute.

It is the kind of distance
that plays tricks on the eye —
blurring harsh edges,
leaving only pointillistic impressions
that tickle the most palatable of memories.

It is the size of
scribbles
coalescing into sense,

kitchen knives
mistaken for
wooden spoons.

Ours is the distance of i n e b r i a t i o n.

An astigmatic blur
bloating e’s into o’s
and misjudging lies lines.

The time it would take to travel from

Point “me” to Point “you“

is comparable to
that satisfying span
of autumn and summer
before we begin to pine
for the pleasures of the other.

Or the time
it takes a new mother
to break that promise
she made to herself:

“Never again.”

It is the breadth of forgetfulness,
of longing,
of doubt,

but not of forgiveness.

There is a space between

you and me

and it is not enough.

Imagine This.

/ amynotdorft / 2 Comments

I want you to imagine something for me:

Your skin feels numb. It’s hardly noticeable at first — the shower doesn’t feel too hot, you don’t need a sweater when everyone else does. Then it starts getting worse. You can’t really feel anything. There is pressure and some distant recognition of touch, but no real sensation.

Why?

You ask yourself this. As it worsens you begin to worry, anxiety building in the pit of your stomach.

Next, your muscles begin to seize. They clench, tightly, as if your body is trying to collapse on itself. Your heart races. Maybe because you’re scared. Maybe not.

Your appetite disappears. Or maybe it grows and all you can think about is food. You can’t sleep, dragging your rigid and exhausted body that refuses to rest. Or maybe all you can do is sleep, the difficulty of lifting your sick bones too overwhelming.

Your vision changes. Colours disappear until everything is in black, grey, and white. “Can’t you see the beautiful colours of the fall leaves?” “No.”

Pain radiates on the edges of your perception. Low and constant, sometimes flaring for no reason you can discern. The numbness fading only for the moments of pain.

You feel guilty. That dinner you were supposed to cook. That moment you were supposed to enjoy. All put on hold for something beyond your understanding. Did you do something to cause this? If you had exercised more… eaten better…

Eventually, you are paralyzed. Frozen in place. All you want to do is scream for help, for the pain to stop… but you can’t.

Frightened?

Now, I want you to imagine the same scenario but with some slight differences. It is not your skin that grows numb, but your emotions. Happiness is elusive. So is desire. Even sadness. The smiling face of your daughter, the person you know means everything in the world to you, elicits only the faintest blip of a feeling.

The result is the same. You ask yourself: Why? Then the anxiety. Guilt. Eating or not. Sleeping or not.

It is not colours you are blind to, but positivity. It is no longer in the spectrum of your emotional vision. No matter how long someone points at something and says “Can’t you see this happiness?” the true answer will still be, “No.”

And the paralysis. Not a physical one, but a mental one. Your decision-making processes shut down. Your communication comes to a halt. And here you are, wanting to scream for help, for the pain to stop… .

Is this any less frightening?

This is mental illness. To be specific, this is my mental illness, but there are many people who share the same or similar experiences. I’m lucky in that I have a vague notion of why this is happening. I know I am sick, I know this will pass and — most of the time — I know it’s not my fault. A lot of people don’t have this benefit. Maybe this is the first time they’ve experienced it. Maybe the people around them tell them mental illness is not a true “illness.” Maybe they have been experiencing it for years but still don’t understand – Why?

I know this is a writing blog, but one of my aims in writing is to break down stigmas surrounding mental illness. Secrets and Skin was a way to give a face to self-harm, to give those of us who never thought we could be heroes a chance. To talk about healing and relapse. I try to be candid about these issues.

Today, this is how I felt. I went for a walk. I meditated. I tried to look at all the beauty in my life, but I was blind to it. So I expressed it. Writing from the inside out to try to share my experience. For those who are going through it — so you don’t feel alone. For those who have never felt it — to help you understand.

Depression is not sadness. Anxiety is not negative thinking. Just because the pain and dysfunction are not physical, doesn’t mean they are any less overwhelming or in need of treatment (whether medical or therapeutic.) If a muscle becomes damaged, you move it and train it to a point of health. If a nerve becomes pinched, you have surgery or take medication to cope. This is no different.

Please, be supportive to those living this right now. Try to understand.

And if this was your day today too — you can do this. It will hurt. It will take time. But that’s okay, all healing does. You are not alone.

If you or a loved one are in need of immediate help, please see the following resources:

http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines

 

Iyashikei and Worlds That Heal

/ amynotdorft / 3 Comments

Sometimes we need a break:

Curling up under the covers and watching a movie when we’re sick.

Reading a book in the bath with a glass of wine after a long day at work.

Listening to a podcast in the dark after an anxiety attack.

Binge-watching a favourite show with a carton of ice cream and a broken heart.

Whenever we find ourselves struggling to cope, fiction is a quick and accessible release from the chaos of our lives.

But my question to you is this: what type of fiction do you find relaxing? What stories do you seek out to warm your heart and heal your soul?

I certainly don’t expect anyone to have a single answer — personally, I crave different genres, aesthetics, or atmospheres depending on my mood. But there is one genre, something I discovered recently, that I know I can look to on the worst of days. When my depression and anxiety have left me more puddle than human. When I’m shaking with anger and hopelessness after sifting through my news feed. When I’m too raw to face even fictional conflict and injustice.

Iyashikei.

If you’re not an anime fan you’ve probably never heard this term before. TV Tropes defines Iyashikei as:

“a term used for anime and manga created with the specific purpose of having a healing or soothing effect on the audience. Works of this kind often involve alternative realities with little to no conflict, emphasizing nature and the little delights in life.”

Iyashikei includes titles such as: K!-On, Mushishi, Natsume’s Book of Friends, Aria, and Flying Witch.

mushishi1

Mushishi is as beautiful as it is melancholic. It’s darker tone sets it apart from other Iyashikei titles.

If you’re not familiar with Iyashikei or anime, the best way I can explain it is like this: Imagine the most comfortable scenes in your favourite stories. The ones that make you feel warm. Safe. Maybe a little melancholic, but not unpleasantly so. The ones where nothing really happens, but you’re captivated anyway. To use Harry Potter as an example (since it’s so widely known), try to recall the moments when Harry, Hermione, and Ron weren’t in immediate danger. Remove the overarching antagonists and conflicts — Voldemort, the Dursleys, bloodline prejudices — leaving behind the warmth and charm of the wizarding world and its inhabitants.

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Playful moments like this help make up the plot of an Iyashikei narrative.

What I’m describing are typically low-key moments where the camaraderie, beauty, and fantasy draw you in and act as the motivating force of the scene. They are often intended to offer the viewer/reader reprieve in between moments of high-tension. Except, in Iyashikei, these moments constitute the entirety of the plot.

Overlapping with the slice-of-life genre, Iyashikei depicts brief moments in the cast’s lives. The focus is on the minutiae — the making of a meal, a small discovery, a minor conflict that you knew would be resolved all along. Sometimes these conflicts are enough to draw the reader/viewer in, or sometimes the story relies on the beauty of the scene (these are typically visual stories) and the fantastical nature of its setting. You aren’t torn through the story with suspense or drama, but rather float along comfortably, enjoying the scenery as you pass.

flying-witch-01-01

Speaking of scenery… Iyashikei tales are often brimming with gorgeous artwork. (e.g. flying witch)

Until I discovered Iyashikei several months ago (while simultaneously watching Flying Witch and reading Natsume), I usually resorted to easy-reading/ young-adult fiction when I was struggling to cope. Reading fiction aimed at a younger audience, it was easier to avoid triggering material or anything that would exacerbate my anxiety. But at the end of the day, these books revolved around (usually violent) conflicts. There were still overly complicated and frustrating love triangles. My heart still pounded as I turned the pages desperate to know what was going to happen next. They were great stories, but not ideal for my needs at that time.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s important to read/watch content that challenges us on multiple levels, but sometimes we need an emotional break. In a world where bad news bombards us on all sides, it’s crucial we find a space where we can breathe and regroup.

Flying Witch, Natsume, Sweetness and Lightning… these stories give me peace. The experience isn’t quite the same as the escapist feeling that comes from more traditional fiction, but one nearer to meditation. An emphasis on natural beauty and tiny pleasures amplifies the peace that already exists in our own lives.

sweetness4

Sweetness and Lightning may not fall entirely in the Iyashikei genre, but many of the aspects are there. Plus: FOOD!

I am certain many people find this genre boring. Even my husband and I, who both love Iyashikei, constantly question what we find appealing. We have had many in-depth discussions about how anime and manga with no tension or overarching conflict keep us coming back for more. And yet, they do.

We are still struggling to find a parallel in non-visual story-telling mediums and Western genres. (The closest I’ve discovered so far are some Charles De Lint stories.) And so, my husband challenged me. Can I write a short story that aims to heal, to be relaxing, and meditative? One without any meaningful, long-lasting conflict that still manages to be engrossing and engaging? Can this be done without the appeal of beautiful artwork? I don’t know, but I love a challenge!

(Quick update: That challenge ended up developing into a three season web fiction series called 53 Ganymede.)

So what do you think? Are you a fan of Iyashikei, or would you be interested in checking it out? Do you think it’s possible to have a story that is immersive without significant conflict or antagonists? What genres do you find relaxing? And have you ever encountered a story that you think is similar to Iyashikei that is not manga or anime?

I’d love to hear from you! Let me know in the comments below.

Everything Except Writing

/ amynotdorft / Leave a comment

I’m back! Yes, I took the past week off (hence the lack of updates) and I wanted to talk about my reasons, because it’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot recently.

In case you don’t know, Secrets and Skin is a novel that I’ve already written and which I’m editing as I post. And promoting. And cross-posting.

Anyway… what this means is that, while I am frequently posting “new content,” I am doing very little actual writing. Which, as a writer, is obviously not a desirable situation. I WANT to write. Instead I’ve been spending a lot of time editing and focusing on building a platform. And let me tell you something, building a platform takes a lot of time and energy (building a website, creating a twitter audience, chumming it up on Wattpad). Particularly if you’re an introvert that struggles with anxiety and depression. Cause nothin’ gets you down like social media.

Don’t get me wrong, I love connecting with other writers and reading their work – there’s seriously some amazing content out there and I wish I had time to read it all – but I’m also struggling to find a balance. Connecting and sharing while also giving myself space to enjoy the act of just writing a story. Taking time to read and be creative so that I can foster inspiration and learn. Not to mention taking care of my mental health.

So what does this mean for me? The truth is that I don’t know. And that’s pretty much what I’m here to say. Yes, I am building a platform. Yes, I am aiming for professionalism. But I’m also a human being who is floundering about, trying to find their place in this crazy world. And I don’t want to hide that part. It’s disorienting and intimidating sharing your work (art, writing, gluten-free paleo dessert recipes, whatever) and it takes some figuring out. Some trial and error.

So here I am. For now, I’m pulling back a bit on social media. As nice as it is to see my reads rise from Wattpad book clubs and to find really neat titles I’d like to read some day, I’m done with them for now. I don’t have time to read the titles I have on hold right now, let alone adding more. Hopefully that will change as time goes on, but for now it would be an injustice to add to my “To Read” list.

Secrets will still release on Wednesdays and Fridays, for the time being. I will be somewhat active on Twitter and definitely respond to comments and such on Wattpad. But from now on, I want to put a concerted effort toward taking time to write or just be creative.

And seeing as my 2 year old just woke up a couple hours after going to bed… I’m out. Let me know in the comments how you balance your writing and promotion (not to mention your responsibilities). Or let me know what you like to see from the writers/ artists you follow online.