Some Days

Some days
I give so much of my love away
that I forget to leave any
for myself.

Some days
I give so much of myself away
that I become a walking
human-shaped absence,
defined
only by the space
of where other people are not.

Some days
I have no one to give to
and in that freedom I expand
so far
that I lose
all
cohesiveness.

Some days
I cannot remember who I am
only all of the things I should do
and all of the things I have failed to do.

Some days
I make lists about myself
so that I cannot forget:
what I’ve done,
what I like,
what I want.

Some days
I look at those lists
and wonder
where that person went.

Some days
I am certain
that some crucial part of me
has died
taking with it:
memories
and dreams
and desires
and
and
and

Some days
I want to be struck by lightning —
not to die,
but on the off chance
that I might reanimate.
Or at least
feel that rush of electricity
down my spine.

Some days
I can pretend that I’m okay,
end this on a note about
hope.

Some days
I give so much of my love away
that I forget to leave any
for myself.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Input/Output

Happy New Year’s everyone!

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So before I disappeared there for a while… I did manage to post all of Secrets and Skin! Yay! You can read the novel in its entirety below:

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Or on Wattpad.

In case you missed it… I did also share a brief preview of my work in progress. You can find it HERE.

Now the inevitable question… what’s next?

That’s a very good question… I wish I had a solid answer. My intention is to focus a lot of my energies on Prophecy (the WIP in the preview). It’s a project I’ve been fleshing out and developing for the last few years… and I would love to finally commit it to a first draft. But I also know that I am rarely content with one project and my focus isn’t always as easy to reign in as I’d like. Which means I have a lot of other projects peeking in through the windows and jiggling the door knobs of my consciousness. Not to mention Ganymede 53 and my short story collection…

And in the midst of all this desired output, I find myself in want of input. Which means before the holidays I was dedicating far too much time to storytelling and not enough time engaging with the stories of others.

The truth is that I am bad at stopping. At slowing down and taking a break. If I’m behind in my blog posts and social media it’s probably because I’ve taken on some other project that is engaging my time. When I slow down I crash… succumb to tiredness, neurosis, a nonsensical notion of claustrophobia…

I mean, I love being creative… I cook, bake, sew, draw, paint, write… if I’m presented with a problem, I try to “make” my way out of it. Any any given moment I could describe a dozen challenges I want to take on.

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If I were a Disney princess… 

But it’s also important to take in. Listen to music. Read books. Watch movies. Just stop and look at the world around you for no other reason than to appreciate it. I think, like any other system… you can’t get things out if you don’t put resources in. Ideas, emotions, experiences… Inspiration. Sometimes I have to very deliberately give myself time and permission to engage with these things. Leave a mental post-it note to remind myself that passive activities are okay too.

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Like self-care for my imagination I guess.

Starting this week I’ll be getting myself back on track — writing on a regular basis (including blogging) — but I’m also going to make a point of immersing myself in stories, beauty, inspiration. Basically it’ll take a couple of weeks to figure out exactly where I’m heading and what kind of timeline I’m looking at, but I promise new content will be on its way soon.

And I would love to hear from anyone reading. Do you struggle to maintain the input/output balance? What do you find inspirational? Let me know in the comments!

Hope everyone is having a great 2017 so far!