I’ve gotten nothing done. I had a series I fully intended to write, multiple things I have talked about recording and releasing… and the bare truth here is that I simply haven’t done it.
I have a pocket full of excuses — I have two kids, a schedule that leaves me with around an hour to do things for myself each day (that means after-kids-go-to-bed chores, homeschool organization, writing, reading/watching/gaming, self-care, time with my husband), a noisy apartment not conducive to recording.
And while those things don’t help, the real problem is me.
This isn’t writer’s block — I have a million ideas squirreled away — it’s something much deeper. It’s not this lockdown, though again I’m sure it isn’t helping. This is a problem I’ve been struggling with for years now that I do everything possible not to talk about. Something I’m not even sure I have to words to talk about.
It’s a mingling of existential dread, self-loathing, and a dearth of mental space that has culminated in an inability to… imagine? To fantasize? To allow my brain to exist anywhere that isn’t this moment, with these restrictions, and all of the terrifying possibilities of what could come next. It means that I struggle to enjoy stories, especially stories with peril or suffering. It means I can barely read, can barely watch, and can barely create.
I feel lost and purposeless. Everything around me seems meaningless. I’ve lost the how and the why that use to push me through challenges like this.
And yes, it is not lost on me that this is a mental health issue. I’m working on it. It’s not an optimal time for getting medical attention but I’m looking into it.
For now I’m focusing on taking care of myself. On trying to remember how to enjoy things again. I’ve been playing Nier: Automata… and while I feel guilty using my one hour a day to game, it’s also one of the first things I’ve actually gotten enjoyment from. Some days it helps hold me together.
I want to write again. At least, I think I do. But until I can remember why I did it in the first place, until I can remember what it’s like to be able to daydream, until I get help… I guess I’m on hiatus.
Thanks to everyone who has read my work or has taken a moment and read this. I think I just needed to put it out there, and also to explain to the people following the blog where the hell I’ve been.
I will come back from this, somehow. Even if I don’t believe those words right now, I have to say them. I will be back with new stories and new worlds and maybe a renewed love for this one.